MNS #6

Great! Early in the morning and Im writing MNS, how happy is that?!

Another tear fell down her cheek, her voice chocked while telling me the story. I didn't dare to look at her face this time fearing that I could crumble just by seeing the sadness in her eyes. She fought hard but in the end was left with nothing.
She depended too much, and everyone is paying the price for it. Is she even wrong to depend on someone she love? Unfortunately, I live to experience that. No.. never completely depend on anyone, not even your the one`s closest to you. I hereby stand by my word until one day someone prove me wrong.

What can I do? All I can do now is stand and watch helplessly? Nooooo, its no more an excuse. You can change it, yeah Y.O.U!! Its your duty, its your responsibility. She means the world to me and a single tear in her eyes is enough to shatter me.

Law of the universe hmm? The strong shall remain and the weak shall perish eh? With high risk only comes high return? Lets put it to the test! So gear up, and let the war begin!

When people ask, why are you constantly smiling? Why are you constantly happy? How can you be so cheerful in this evil world?

Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

You`ll know what to answer now hmmm?

Happy Ending?

He said,

I smile, I laugh, I tease, for hope.
May it multiply and stay that way,
Riding a storm my ship sway left to right,
Smile like you mean it, and let yourself go

You played your part well, you tried to live alone
How long will you last?
Give up your defenses,
Time to say goodbye to the world you thought u lived in
Take a bow, u played the part of a lonely heart
So try and smile like you mean it

Dungeons and Dragons, Wizzard and Trolls,
Kings and Queens, Magics and Fairies,
Hope? Love? Happy Ending?
A myth its not..

Your only human, let emotions and dreams run free the way its suppose to be
Tear down that stage,
There will be no more play from now,
Its not the end, far from it
Sick and tired of the harsh world?
Retire back to my cove, far far away
Bring ma friends with me, pray they will stay
Live happily ever after in the "real" world.

Bow your head, fingers crossed
May there be healing to all the pain and sick
Everyday will be Christmas,
Lights shining so pretty everywhere,
Snow falls on the pavement, raise your hands towards heaven
and believe.......

Be strong

I don't really want to say goodbye
I don't really want to leave you
But now I have to go away
Stay away from you faraway

What we had was something special
Deep down from our hearts
But now I have to go away
And leaving you is the saddest part

So get up, go out, you and all your friends
Your heart as a sword
Its a big mean world so stay safe
I will be home once again when the time comes

and we`ll start from the start....

Made up my mind

Time waits for no one.
I still remember the days I would be crying begging my parents to let me watch cartoon on tele during the weekends even when exam is just around the corner. I still remember complaining to my parents I need extra pocket money for recess time but really I need the money to buy water gun. I was so carefree, and the only think I was fearful of are exams. Catching grasshoppers during recess, playing hide and seek, running freely around the school compound was my favorite pass time. This went on until I suddenly find myself in secondary school with a whole new bunch of friends which eventually became my close friends. Talking about gadgets, vacations, comics, basketball and girls.. lots of it. Our favorite was pissing the teachers off and became so notorious in school; teacher fears us student loved us.

Entering college life was fun, but I now suddenly notice the importance of getting good grades. I paid a little extra attention in college and manage to pass all my subjects and secured a place in a Uni in UK. I must admit, being in the UK was the best time of my life. We partied like there is no tomorrow, we studied and rush for assignment deadline. We worked part time to get a little extra money to tour UK. We laughed, we cried, we sang, we drank, we were very merry indeed. But it all ended when I finish my studies and all of a sudden it hit me that all this will end. Everyone has their own dreams in life and we will have to go our separate walks in life. Being abroad changed me, I now want different things. My expectations for myself raised drastically, I now look at things at a very different perspective.

I have hurt people closest to me because of this. I have disappointed them because I was no longer the person they once knew. It was mentally challenging, it was depressing. I started to suppress the real me within. But I was still no where near the old me. I can no longer put a smile on her face, and she has been constantly hurt by my actions and thinking. Every second of my existence brings sorrow to her soul. You may ask me, do I love her? Yes I do i will reply. I had a wonderful 6 years in my life, thats how long we have been togather. You came to me like an angel, giving love and care to me whenever I need it. You were always by my side supporting me. We went through alot of hard times which I dare to say any other girl would have ran away. But you were different. You stay still by my side giving me strength and encouragement

I have a confession, before leaving for the UK, I was thinking deeply if I should continue this relationship. If I could be strong enough to carry on while giving you strength and encouragement to hang in there. I was naive. I barely made it out alive and upon arriving in Malaysia you noticed that I have changed alot. I will be leaving soon my love, its a place full of challenge and I am sure I will go through another major change in myself. I want to continue this wonderful relationship till the very end but I have to think about you my love. I cannot bear to see the sorrow in your heart anymore. I cannot bear to see another tear drop from that pretty face of yours. The hard times of our live will strengthen us, the good times will remain sweet memories. You complaint that I never praised you much, you say I dont care about you. I apologize for not showing it, but hear it from me, I treasure you like the gem of my life. I love you so much when I see that smile on your face, have I told you that you have a wonderful character, so kind I think its wrong, have I told you that when you sleep you look absolutely peaceful, have I told you that you have wonderful soft skin, have I told you that you have a pretty nose, have I told you your eyes sparkle whenever you wanted me to do something, have I told you that you hold my hand like everything is going to be ok when deep down I know its not, have I told you that you have a beautiful family, have I told you that you have been so strong throughout our relationship, have I told you that I dont know what my life will become without you? I know now, its so painful. A pain so rare to me, a pain i never experience before, a pain that can stop my heartbeat. I just want you to be happy and carry on living without me, it might sound so selfish, harsh and unfair but I have to do whats best for both myself and you. That is why I have been letting you do alot of things on your own. You have your dreams in life and I have mine, but Im sad to say our dreams are in the direct opposite directions. I have been thinking about this for more than a year now and I finally made up my mind. Its best that we end this relationship and move on dear. Its a decision I cant bring myself to make but have to be made. As much as I want you to stay, as much as I want you to wait, but can I? I cant waste your life like that. I want you to be in my life so badly that when I said those words, a knife came cutting right into my heart. If you are the one girl. I will and will do whatever it takes to have you back into my life..

To you my love. Thank you for being in my life for the past 6 years and 3 months, I cant say how blessed am I, how wonderful it had been for me just to have you. You were my first love and I dont think i`ll ever come across someone like you again. We laughed together, had fun together, cried together and did alot of stupid stuff together. This are the moments I will cherish and love till the day I am lying 6 feet under. No one will ever be able to take this away from me, its kept in a book locked in my heart, wonders of love I can never be a part, I hope you`ll remember the memories in the past, goodbye my dear is too harsh.....

Deep Thoughts

Currently in a deep thought. What do I really want?!! How can I achieve it? When Can I achieve it? Where would it lead me to? How will it happen? Do I need to do certain actions to achieve it? What are the actions that I should take? Will it change me? How will it change me? Is it for the better? Or is it for the worst? What is my sacrifices? Is is worth the sacrifice? Does it leads to happiness? How will other thinks of me? How do I plan the route? What if things doesnt goes according to plan? WHat is the back up plan? Does it work?n

What Do I really want?? .... deep breath.... deep thought

Freefalling - Destination Unknown (MNS)#5

Cheryl Cole - Parachute

I don't tell anyone about the way you hold my hand
I don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned
I won't tell anybody
Won't tell anybody
They want to push me down
They want to see you fall (Down)

Won't tell anybody how you turn my world around
I won't tell anyone how your voice is my favourite sound
I won't tell anybody
Won't tell anybody
They want to see us fall
They want to see us fall

I don't need a parachute
Baby, if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you
I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me
You're gonna catch if I fall
Down, down, down

I don't need a parachute
Baby, if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you
I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me
You're gonna catch if I fall
Down, down, down

Don't believe the things you tell yourself so late night and
You are your own worst enemy
You'll never win the fight
Just hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
It's you and me up against the world
It's you and me....(Love)

I don't need a parachute
Baby, if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you
I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me
You're gonna catch if I fall
Down, down, down

I don't need a parachute
Baby, if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you
I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me
You're gonna catch if I fall
Down, down, down

I won't fall out of love
I won't fall out of,
I won't fall out of love
I won't fall out of,
I won't fall out of love
I won't fall out of,
I won't fall out of love
I'll fall into you

I won't fall out of love
I won't fall out of,
I won't fall out of love
I won't fall out of,
I won't fall out of love
I won't fall out of,
I won't fall out of love
I'll fall into you

I don't need a parachute
Baby, if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you
I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me
You're gonna catch if I fall
Down, down, down

I don't need a parachute
Baby, if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you
I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me
You're gonna catch if I fall
Down, down, down


This song has been playing non stop in my head and sadly the lyrics of the song somehow is reflecting my current life. When I look at the mirror, starring deeply into my eyes I know there is something missing within me. I could fly to a place far away from here, leaving all memories behind but is this a reason or an excuse? I no longer possess the charm and magic to make happiness from no where to make someone smile. A friend means the world to me and that friend came to me when everything was pitch black.
In the midst of musics, a shot was fired, hitting me right in the chest, I took two steps back and felt the pain - I am only your distraction.
The things that keep me smiling is good music, alcohol and a good company.
Humans are sophisticated beings with feelings and emotions, so complicated that I don`t understand myself.
My words are cold and flat, lost all sense of control, minds break my spirit and soul looking forward, trapped in the past... Who am I?


Who Am I? - Will Young
Sometimes you know you push me so hard
I don't know how I feel
You almost make me doubt I feel at all

It's not as though I always listen
But there's just so much I don't hear
Maybe I'll never be what you want
I know that all you're asking for
Is a little place in my heart
But I don't find it easy to give

Maybe I get a little selfish sometimes
Why shouldn't I?
I used to say I love you
But would it make a difference this time?

And who am I to tell you that I would never let you down
That no-one else could love you half as much as I do now
And who am I to tell you I'll always catch you when you fall
Well I, I wouldn't be myself at all
I wouldn't be myself at all, at all.

I always find a reason why I didn't put you first
It's not that complicated I know
I really hate it when you shake your head like this ain't gonna work
Maybe you'll never reap what you sow


I didn't want to do what everybody does
And hide the truth to find we never knew a thing about love
Cos this is real life, real love
And knowing what it comes down too
It just might be enough

I am grabbing a parachute, I am freefalling and I know no one will ever catch me from this fall. Destination - Unknown.