Tales from earthsea

The lone hawk in the sky,
Struggles against the wind
Here there is only light and darkness,
He has the sky to himself,
You who looked up to the sky and wept
You who live alone
Let me hear your  true name
For one day you'll be gone
As light dissolves into darkness
Your song passes straight through my heart
Let me sing it for you

what is within my heart no one ever knows
a heart like a falcon's is this very heart
what it is within my heart none can ever know
lonely falcon in the empty sky
I walk alone along deserted country roads
walking with me side by side you are always there
i feel your loneliness lonely you must be
crickets whispering in the grassy fields
you walk there by my side
but you never say a word, never do you speak

Growing up .. Anything could happen,

Sometimes it doesn't take much for you to realise how unpredictable the future may become and your life might just take a drastic change within seconds.
It gave me an opportunity to take a few steps back on my busy schedule to look at my life now and compared it to the same day I was 5 years ago, and 10 years ago.
What was apparent to me was my environment changed and most amazingly the way I evaluate and handle situation changed.  10 years ago I was a very dependant young lad, complaining and trying to be as rebellious as possible.  Being a teenager, challenging my parents advice in every possible way and didn't care less for the future.  The constant nagging and advice from them came to me as a punishment and I hated that.   But most amazingly, the harsh actions they showered me shaped me to who I am today.
The transition from being under the wing of my parents to soaring the skies on my own was surprisingly not a hard one, and when I stop and looked back I started to know why.  I came from a medium classed family, but unlike most of you, at a very young age I was forced to accept the harsh reality of life.  I went to school envying my friends who had pocket money when I had none.  I played with toys that my friends has because I have none.  When friends would start to discuss a TV show that was screened the previous night I would seat quietly and just listen afraid that they would asked if I have seen the show because my house didn't have one.  Ridiculous as it may sounds but I lived without TV for the entire primary and secondary school life, that is a whopping 12 years period.   Not because my parents can't afford it but they just wouldn't buy it for me.  Asking money from my parents became something I fear, because of the constant nagging and rejection time and time and time again.  I came to realise quickly that the only way to get what I want is to I have my own money. I started working part time jobs to earn my own money.
Looking back .... hanging out with friends, buying snacks, clothes, laptop, phones, studying abroad, car,  all of them mostly I had to use my own money.  My dad didn't believe in the philosophy of providing anything else other than the necessity, but wants me to work for it.  He became my bank broker and would provide me with loans and I would have to pay him back.  This pushed me to the edge, had me quickly learn that its me against the world and to rely on no one else.
Fast forward into the present, I realised because what I have gone through, I am a stronger person.

What triggered me having this thought was an incident that happened a few hours ago while I was busy working as usual when I slipped and landed hard on my back on the edge of the stairs.  It was raining heavily and I laid on the ground drenched with water clenching my teeth with pain and trying my best to get up but my legs just wouldn't budge for a whole good minute.  I drove to the nearest clinic for a check up and was in excruciating pain.  While waiting for my name to be called, I recalled how lucky I was because if I were to twitch a little and landed square on my backbone or if my head were to hit the stairs it would have done some serious damage.  Thank god for protection.  Although I am in pain now and couldn't even lean forward I am pretty grateful that nothing serious was inflicted. It came to me as a reminder that life is indeed fragile and you don't need to wait for something drastic to happen before appreciating it.  Anything could happen ...  everyone knows that we will eventually die but no one wants to believe in it, because if we did, we would be living our live's differently.

What do YOU DESIRE?

I simply wrote this down in words from this video I found very interesting and true.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=448877845163126

What do you desire?
What sort of situation would you like.
What would you like to do if money is not an object.  How would you really enjoy spending your life?
Well it is so amazing that as a result of our type of education system, crowds of student says: "I would like to be a painter, a writer, but as everybody knows we can't be earning any money that way.  Another person says he wants to live his life riding horses.
Let's go through with this... What do you really want to do?
When we finally got down which the individual says he really want to do.  I would say to him : "you do that!"
and erm.. forget the money.  Because if you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you would spend your life completing wasting your time.  You would be doing things you don't like doing in order to go on living that is going on doing things you don't like doing.  Which is Stupid!
Better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing than a long life spending a miserable way.
And after all if you really do enjoy what you are doing, it doesn't matter what it is, you can eventually be a master of it.  The only way to become a master of something is that you are really with it and than you will be able to get a good fee for whatever it is.
So don't worry too much, somebody is interested in something, anything you could be interested in you will find others.
But it is absolutely stupid to spend your time doing things you don't like in order to go on doing things you don't like and to teach your children following the same track.
See, what we are doing is, we are bringing up children and educating them to live the same sort of life we ended up living with.  In order that they may justify themselves and find satisfaction in life by bringing up their children to bring up their children so that its all wretched and we never get there.
And so, therefore it is so important to consider this question - What is that YOU desire?

Wake up

Take a moment and read.

Below is the transcript of the talk of Dr. Richard Teo, who is a 40-year-old millionaire and cosmetic surgeon with a stage-4 lung cancer but selflessly came to sha
re with the D1 class his life experience on 19-Jan-2012. He has just passed away few days ago on 18 October 2012.

Hi good morning to all of you. My voice is a bit hoarse, so please bear with me. I thought I'll just introduce myself. My

 name is Richard, I'm a medical doctor. And I thought I'll just share some thoughts of my life. It's my pleasure to be invited by prof. Hopefully, it can get you thinking about how... as you pursue this.. embarking on your training to become dental surgeons, to think about other things as well.

Since young, I am a typical product of today's society. Relatively successful product that society requires.. From young, I came from a below average family. I was told by the media... and people around me that happiness is about success. And that success is about being wealthy. With this mind-set, I've always be extremely competitive, since I was young.

Not only do I need to go to the top school, I need to have success in all fields. Uniform groups, track, everything. I needed to get trophies, needed to be successful, I needed to have colours award, national colours award, everything. So I was highly competitive since young. I went on to medical school, graduated as a doctor. Some of you may know that within the medical faculty, ophthalmology is one of the most highly sought after specialities. So I went after that as well. I was given a traineeship in ophthalmology, I was also given a research scholarship by NUS to develop lasers to treat the eye.

So in the process, I was given 2 patents, one for the medical devices, and another for the lasers. And you know what, all this academic achievements did not bring me any wealth. So once I completed my bond with MOH, I decided that this is taking too long, the training in eye surgery is just taking too long. And there's lots of money to be made in the private sector. If you're aware, in the last few years, there is this rise in aesthetic medicine. Tons of money to be made there. So I decided, well, enough of staying in institution, it's time to leave. So I quit my training halfway and I went on to set up my aesthetic clinic... in town, together with a day surgery centre.

You know the irony is that people do not make heroes out average GP (general practitioner), family physicians. They don't. They make heroes out of people who are rich and famous. People who are not happy to pay $20 to see a GP, the same person have no qualms paying ten thousand dollars for a liposuction, 15 thousand dollars for a breast augmentation, and so on and so forth. So it's a no brainer isn't? Why do you want to be a gp? Become an aesthetic physician. So instead of healing the sick and ill, I decided that I'll become a glorified beautician. So, business was good, very good. It started off with waiting of one week, then became 3weeks, then one month, then 2 months, then 3 months. I was overwhelmed; there were just too many patients. Vanities are fantastic business. I employed one doctor, the second doctor, the 3rd doctor, the 4th doctor. And within the 1st year, we're already raking in millions. Just the 1st year. But never is enough because I was so obsessed with it. I started to expand into Indonesia to get all the rich Indonesian tai-tais who wouldn't blink an eye to have a procedure done. So life was really good.

So what do I do with the spare cash. How do I spend my weekends? Typically, I'll have car club gatherings. I take out my track car, with spare cash I got myself a track car. We have car club gatherings. We'll go up to Sepang in Malaysia. We'll go for car racing. And it was my life. With other spare cash, what do i do? I get myself a Ferrari. At that time, the 458 wasn't out, it's just a spider convertible, 430. This is a friend of mine, a schoolmate who is a forex trader, a banker. So he got a red one, he was wanting all along a red one, I was getting the silver one.

So what do I do after getting a car? It's time to buy a house, to build our own bungalows. So we go around looking for a land to build our own bungalows, we went around hunting. So how do i live my life? Well, we all think we have to mix around with the rich and famous. This is one of the Miss Universe. So we hang around with the beautiful, rich and famous. This by the way is an internet founder. So this is how we spend our lives, with dining and all the restaurants and Michelin Chefs you know.

So I reach a point in life that I got everything for my life. I was at the pinnacle of my career and all. That's me one year ago in the gym and I thought I was like, having everything under control and reaching the pinnacle.

Well, I was wrong. I didn't have everything under control. About last year March, I started to develop backache in the middle of nowhere. I thought maybe it was all the heavy squats I was doing. So I went to SGH, saw my classmate to do an MRI, to make sure it's not a slipped disc or anything. And that evening, he called me up and said that we found bone marrow replacement in your spine. I said, sorry what does that mean? I mean I know what it means, but I couldn't accept that. I was like “Are you serious?” I was still running around going to the gym you know. But we had more scans the next day, PET scans - positrons emission scans, they found that actually I have stage 4 terminal lung cancer. I was like "Whoa where did that come from?” It has already spread to the brain, the spine, the liver and the adrenals. And you know one moment I was there, totally thinking that I have everything under control, thinking that I've reached the pinnacle of my life. But the next moment, I have just lost it.

This is a CT scan of the lungs itself. If you look at it, every single dot there is a tumour. We call this miliaries tumour. And in fact, I have tens of thousands of them in the lungs. So, I was told that even with chemotherapy, that I'll have about 3-4months at most. Did my life come crushing on, of course it did, who wouldn't? I went into depression, of course, severe depression and I thought I had everything.

See the irony is that all these things that I have, the success, the trophies, my cars, my house and all. I thought that brought me happiness. But i was feeling really down, having severe depression. Having all these thoughts of my possessions, they brought me no joy. The thought of... You know, I can hug my Ferrari to sleep, no... No, it is not going to happen. It brought not a single comfort during my last ten months. And I thought they were, but they were not true happiness. But it wasn't. What really brought me joy in the last ten months was interaction with people, my loved ones, friends, people who genuinely care about me, they laugh and cry with me, and they are able to identify the pain and suffering I was going through. That brought joy to me, happiness. None of the things I have, all the possessions, and I thought those were supposed to bring me happiness. But it didn't, because if it did, I would have felt happy think about it, when I was feeling most down..

You know the classical Chinese New Year that is coming up. In the past, what do I do? Well, I will usually drive my flashy car to do my rounds, visit my relatives, to show it off to my friends. And I thought that was joy, you know. I thought that was really joy. But do you really think that my relatives and friends, whom some of them have difficulty trying to make ends meet, that will truly share the joy with me? Seeing me driving my flashy car and showing off to them? No, no way. They won’t be sharing joy with me. They were having problems trying to make ends meet, taking public transport. In fact i think, what I have done is more like you know, making them envious, jealous of all I have. In fact, sometimes even hatred.

Those are what we call objects of envy. I have them, I show them off to them and I feel it can fill my own pride and ego. That didn't bring any joy to these people, to my friends and relatives, and I thought they were real joy.

Well, let me just share another story with you. You know when I was about your age, I stayed in king Edward VII hall. I had this friend whom I thought was strange. Her name is Jennifer, we're still good friends. And as I walk along the path, she would, if she sees a snail, she would actually pick up the snail and put it along the grass patch. I was like why do you need to do that? Why dirty your hands? It’s just a snail. The truth is she could feel for the snail. The thought of being crushed to death is real to her, but to me it's just a snail. If you can't get out of the pathway of humans then you deserve to be crushed, it’s part of evolution isn't it? What an irony isn't it?

There I was being trained as a doctor, to be compassionate, to be able to empathise; but I couldn't. As a house officer, I graduated from medical school, posted to the oncology department at NUH. And, every day, every other day I witness death in the cancer department. When I see how they suffered, I see all the pain they went through. I see all the morphine they have to press every few minutes just to relieve their pain. I see them struggling with their oxygen breathing their last breath and all. But it was just a job. When I went to clinic every day, to the wards every day, take blood, give the medication but was the patient real to me? They weren't real to me. It was just a job, I do it, I get out of the ward, I can't wait to get home, I do my own stuff.

Was the pain, was the suffering the patients went through real? No. Of course I know all the medical terms to describe how they feel, all the suffering they went through. But in truth, I did not know how they feel, not until I became a patient. It is until now; I truly understand how they feel. And, if you ask me, would I have been a very different doctor if I were to re-live my life now, I can tell you yes I will. Because I truly understand how the patients feel now. And sometimes, you have to learn it the hard way.

Even as you start just your first year, and you embark this journey to become dental surgeons, let me just challenge you on two fronts.

Inevitably, all of you here will start to go into private practice. You will start to accumulate wealth. I can guarantee you. Just doing an implant can bring you thousands of dollars, it's fantastic money. And actually there is nothing wrong with being successful, with being rich or wealthy, absolutely nothing wrong. The only trouble is that a lot of us like myself couldn't handle it.

Why do I say that? Because when I start to accumulate, the more I have, the more I want. The more I wanted, the more obsessed I became. Like what I showed you earlier on, all I can was basically to get more possessions, to reach the pinnacle of what society did to us, of what society wants us to be. I became so obsessed that nothing else really mattered to me. Patients were just a source of income, and I tried to squeeze every single cent out of these patients.

A lot of times we forget, whom we are supposed to be serving. We become so lost that we serve nobody else but just ourselves. That was what happened to me. Whether it is in the medical, the dental fraternity, I can tell you, right now in the private practice, sometimes we just advise patients on treatment that is not indicated. Grey areas. And even though it is not necessary, we kind of advocate it. Even at this point, I know who are my friends and who genuinely cared for me and who are the ones who try to make money out of me by selling me "hope". We kind of lose our moral compass along the way. Because we just want to make money.

Worse, I can tell you, over the last few years, we bad mouth our fellow colleagues, our fellow competitors in the industry. We have no qualms about it. So if we can put them down to give ourselves an advantage, we do it. And that's what happening right now, medical, dental everywhere. My challenge to you is not to lose that moral compass. I learnt it the hard way, I hope you don't ever have to do it.

Secondly, a lot of us will start to get numb to our patients as we start to practise. Whether is it government hospitals, private practice, I can tell you when I was in the hospital, with stacks of patient folders, I can't wait to get rid of those folders as soon as possible; I can't wait to get patients out of my consultation room as soon as possible because there is just so many, and that's a reality. Because it becomes a job, a very routine job. And this is just part of it. Do I truly know how the patient feels back then? No, I don't. The fears and anxiety and all, do I truly understand what they are going through? I don't, not until when this happens to me and I think that is one of the biggest flaws in our system.

We’re being trained to be healthcare providers, professional, and all and yet we don't know how exactly they feel. I'm not asking you to get involved emotionally, I don't think that is professional but do we actually make a real effort to understand their pain and all? Most of us won’t, alright, I can assure you. So don't lose it, my challenge to you is to always be able to put yourself in your patient's shoes.

Because the pain, the anxiety, the fear are very real even though it's not real to you, it's real to them. So don't lose it and you know, right now I'm in the midst of my 5th cycle of my chemotherapy. I can tell you it’s a terrible feeling. Chemotherapy is one of those things that you don't wish even your enemies to go through because it's just suffering, lousy feeling, throwing out, you don't even know if you can retain your meals or not. Terrible feeling! And even with whatever little energy now I have, I try to reach out to other cancer patients because I truly understand what pain and suffering is like. But it's kind of little too late and too little.

You guys have a bright future ahead of you with all the resource and energy, so I’m going to challenge you to go beyond your immediate patients. To understand that there are people out there who are truly in pain, truly in hardship. Don’t get the idea that only poor people suffer. It is not true. A lot of these poor people do not have much in the first place, they are easily contented. for all you know they are happier than you and me but there are out there, people who are suffering mentally, physically, hardship, emotionally, financially and so on and so forth, and they are real. We choose to ignore them or we just don't want to know that they exist.

So do think about it alright, even as you go on to become professionals and dental surgeons and all. That you can reach out to these people who are in need. Whatever you do can make a large difference to them. I'm now at the receiving end so I know how it feels, someone who genuinely care for you, encourage and all. It makes a lot of difference to me. That’s what happens after treatment. I had a treatment recently, but I’ll leave this for another day. A lot of things happened along the way, that's why I am still able to talk to you today.

I'll just end of with this quote here, it's from this book called Tuesdays with Morris, and some of you may have read it. Everyone knows that they are going to die; every one of us knows that. The truth is, none of us believe it because if we did, we will do things differently. When I faced death, when I had to, I stripped myself off all stuff totally and I focused only on what is essential. The irony is that a lot of times, only when we learn how to die then we learn how to live. I know it sounds very morbid for this morning but it's the truth, this is what I’m going through.

Don’t let society tell you how to live. Don’t let the media tell you what you're supposed to do. Those things happened to me. And I led this life thinking that these are going to bring me happiness. I hope that you will think about it and decide for yourself how you want to live your own life. Not according to what other people tell you to do, and you have to decide whether you want to serve yourself, whether you are going to make a difference in somebody else's life. Because true happiness doesn't come from serving yourself. I thought it was but it didn't turn out that way. With that I thank you.

MNS

This is the end, I've drowned and dreamt this moment.  Long overdue and I owe them, swept away.
So when it crumbles, we will stand tall, 
A thousand miles and poles apart, when the world collides and days turn dark,
You may have name and number but you'll can't have my heart,
Hold your breath and count to ten, from now to then,
Without the security of those loving arms and let our world fall,
Feel the earth move and tremble, swept away I am,
Sky fall is where we start, 
Take my hand and we will remain and stand tall ...

simplify

Life itself is pretty darn complicated if you ask me.  Why?  Humans likes to interact with one another, and emotions comes into play when interacting.  These emotions can't be seen but it is there.  When dealing with emotions and feelings, everyone way of interpreting them is subjective.  It is like you are given a sheet of paper and a pen to write.  No one single person story will be the exact same as the other.
So why complicate things?  If only there is way not to....

I recently stumbled on a little article which I find interesting.  It is a far cry from the cure but still good enough to observe..

Missing somebody? ... Call

Wanna meet up? ... Invite

Wanna be understood? ... Explain

Have a question? ... Ask

Don't like something? ... Say it

Like something? ... State it

Want something? ... Ask for it

See, how simple it is?  We sometimes just don't want to sacrifice certain things to obtain what we want.  We hang on so tight to our golds and neglected the simple act of releasing and reaching out for that bag of diamonds.  I'm no preacher nor a role model.  Writing these doesn't mean I do not have my own problems.  In fact I am writing these to remind myself how important it is to constantly motivate myself.

I am just another person with dreams and vision.  It is sometimes when I have this "ah ha!" moments, I choose to pen it down and pull myself together when I am scattered and beaten down.

MNS # ...

Breeze of the clouds hanging above,

What lies beyond clouds?

I sure have not seen it, however I have heard of them,

Stories of them shown in book, television, newspaper and other individual,

Everybody is watching, everybody is waiting

Just yesterday thinking I was a child, playing soldier in my backyard,

And now I'm playing soldier for real, I'm still wondering if I'm game

But tonight ain't the night, I can wait till tomorrow

So before I pull the trigger, take a moment to consider: "Is this a good time?"

But than again, when is it ever .. never

Never is an excuse I make

Make me fall and hurt

Hurt me so bloody bad

Bad moves I will regret

Regret that I initiated this 

This is what I want?

 

Evil does not exist,  It is merely an absence of Good

Darkness does not exist, It is merely an absence of Light

And we sing..  "the sun goes down , the stars come up"

Aquarius

天生樂觀的水瓶 最明白的是人生沒有後悔這兩個字 所以 他們不會對過去的不愉快有太多不滿 因為過去就過去了 在意也無濟于事 快樂也是一天 不快樂也是一天 他們會帶上好心情 朝著前方奔跑 如同愛情。只要有感覺 就會什麼也不在乎的瀟灑的談一場如癡如醉的戀愛。

水瓶的熱情可以把你融化 水瓶的冷漠可以讓你對自己產生懷疑 水瓶的霸道往往叫你無可奈何 水瓶的聰慧讓你連連嘆息 水瓶的冒失讓你斜線三條 水瓶的固執讓你火冒三丈 水瓶的幽默讓你覺得人生並沒有那麼多不快 水瓶故裝的堅強會讓你產生想疼惜的念頭。

水瓶真愛的門檻：專情 善良 純真。
水瓶的人98%都是愛情的逃兵 心裡很想愛 可遲遲不放馬過來 抑或乎冷乎熱 只因水瓶害怕愛情。水瓶是屬于回報型的戀愛星座 只要你對他好 他可以為你放棄天使般的生活 水瓶座從不介意過著平淡的生活 水瓶會讓大家的生活充滿樂趣。

水瓶基本上是個很痛苦的人。表面上總是很有活力 很快樂的樣子 可是沒人的時候他們又總是很憂傷。水瓶總會被一種莫名的悲傷籠罩 他們不會讓別人發現。水瓶座的人很怕被傷害怕被拋棄 也怕帶給別人傷害和不快樂 只能自己硬挺著一切。所以水瓶很神經質 精神脆弱 容易感傷。

瓶子對感情反應比較遲鈍 容易出現弄不清自己的感覺 不清楚想做什麼 覺得迷惘。在對方沒有非常明確地表示感情時會退怯 覺得愛情是兩廂情願 不想勉強對方。因為害怕失去 在沒有完全確定前決不輕易付出感情。也許是缺乏安全感 也許是對自己的保護 也可以算作是一種自私。

水瓶堅持追求自由 但這並不代表他的行為大膽開放 水瓶所追求的自由是精神上 思想上的。他可能今天研究心理學 過兩天去學爵士舞 下個星期到醫院當義工。水瓶可以屬于社會上任何一個族群 但又不是真正屬于那一個族群。水瓶屬于自己 似乎沒有任何人可以完全的佔有水瓶。

瓶子有時很虛偽 不要指責他 瓶子之所以選擇虛偽 是因為有人勉強瓶子做不願做但又拒絕不了的事 瓶子不習慣承諾 也不懂得拒絕 最擅長的是難為自己。瓶子不想別人難過 只好令自己難過。瓶子總是固執地認為自己有超乎尋常的承受力 將自己想得太堅強 而把別人想得太脆弱。

MNS # ?

As I observed back at all my posting on my blog, I noticed one thing in common is that every time I blog my emotions will be all over the place..  soaring sky high and falling hell deep.  A contrast of emotions I find it fascinating and yet depressing.

The situation is just running dry,
Sooner or later someone is going see this,
My haircut doesn't suit me,
The job doesn't help me,
Friend doesn't feel me,
Socks feels all soggy, and life is just another day to pass

The walls are closing on me,
This world of mine is not perfect I know,
Sometimes I swear I don't even live there no more,
Relating everything while trying not to break,
Should I even stand on this stage of another world,
Seemed so alien, constantly being inspected and tested,

So I do what I do best,
Shrugged, take it in, Umm-Ahh, Smile,
Take it on the chin,
Manifesting a series of theories to bury ... ...